Then my older son, Noah, handed over his gift—a simple drawing of him and Sharon sledding. She squealed again, smoothing his hair and telling him he was such a talented little artist. They gave him a box bigger than he was, and when he ripped it open, it was a remote-control car with flashing lights…
Bella went first. My sister-in-law Melanie’s daughter, Bella, who was about the same age as my own kids and very obviously the Golden Child of the Miller dynasty. She handed Sharon a mug she’d decorated at school—a lumpy, glitter-encrusted thing that looked like it needed immediate hospitalization. Sharon shrieked like she’d been handed the Holy Grail. She immediately swept Bella…
Everything had been so normal a minute earlier—or at least Sharon-level normal, which meant aggressively festive and deeply fake. Her tree twinkled with a manic intensity. The cinnamon candles were fighting a losing battle for dominance with the burnt ham smell wafting from the kitchen. Presents were stacked like we were filming an ad for seasonal…
And me? I just stood there like someone had unplugged my brain. My mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, like a goldfish experiencing emotional trauma. Mia didn’t understand the words. Not fully. But she understood the rejection. Her face crumpled like tissue paper left out in the rain. And that’s when the dizziness hit…
At Christmas, my mother-in-law looked at my six-year-old and said, “Children from mommy’s cheating don’t get to call me grandma.” She said it right after rejecting the gift my daughter, Mia, had proudly made for her—a crayon drawing of a smiling sun and a stick-figure family, framed in glued macaroni. Then my eight-year-old son, Noah, stood up…
I looked at Mama one last time. I couldn’t carry her. I couldn’t wake her. But I could bring help. I could go to the place where help lived. I pushed the cart to the door. It was heavy, laden with my sister and my terror. I unlocked the deadbolt—a trick I had learned by…
Then, I saw it. In the back corner, behind the vacuum cleaner, was the metal shopping cart Mama used for laundry. It was cold, industrial, and sturdy. It smelled of detergent and the metallic tang of the city. I dragged it out. The wheels squeaked—a deafening shriek in the quiet room. I froze, looking at…
I climbed onto the couch and put my ear against her chest. It was too quiet. Her skin felt clammy, like the mist that rolled off the harbor. A terrifying thought, fully formed and adult in its severity, bloomed in my four-year-old brain: If I go back to sleep, she won’t wake up. I looked at…
I didn’t know how to read a clock then, not really. I just knew that the numbers looked sharp, like teeth. “Mama?” I whispered. No answer. I slid out of bed. The linoleum floor was ice against my bare feet. I padded over to the couch where Mama had collapsed earlier. Mrs. Kowalski, our neighbor…
There are different kinds of silence. There is the warm, fuzzy silence of a Sunday morning when the sun hits the dust motes dancing in the air. There is the heavy, comfortable silence when Mama reads a book, her breathing steady and rhythmic like a metronome keeping time for my world. But then, there is…
